Do you know your top from your bottom? Your flogger from your quirt? Your Ben Wa from your butt plug? If you can answer yes to all three questions – woah, you’ve got it going on! But if you’re not so sure or you’re looking for a little expert guidance for your play, I’ve got the perfect book for you:
Tristan Taormino has written the perfect beginners guide to kink-so if 50 Shades of Grey made you feel a little more adventurous but also slightly nervous, let Tristan run a soothing hand down your back and tell you all you need to know about BDSM. In other words, submit yourself into the hands of an expert!
This is, frankly, a gorgeous little book! It really is a pocket guide that, should you want to, you could sneak into a coat pocket or purse for speedy reference. (Fabulous work, as usual, from Cleis Press!) But despite being dinky it’s packed with advice and information to take you on a journey that your body desires, even if your hand’s a little shaky to start with. You can use it to explore your own newly awoken interests or give it to a partner who’s new to something you know and love. It’s the ultimate beginners’ guide to the world of kinky sex, BDSM, roleplay and a whole host more. From the basic techniques involved to inspired suggestions, you’ll learn about bondage and spanking, how to eroticize power and cultivate deeper connections. Tristan will teach you the language of kink as she lifts the veil on popular taboos and fabulous fantasies.
Inside, you’ll find chapters on:
- Embrace Your Inner Kinkster: Myths, Truths, and Communication
- BDSM Basics: Terms, Roles and Principles
- Dominant/Submissive Role Play
- Sexual Power Games: Pleasure and Orgasm Control
- Sensory Deprivation: Blindfolds, Hoods, and Earplugs
- Sensation Play: Massage Oil Candles, Nipple Clamps, and More
- Bondage: Basics and DIY
- More Bondage: Restraints, Bondage Tape, Gags, and Collars
- Smack! Spanking, Paddles, and Crops
- Smack Harder: Floggers and Canes
- Rough Sex
- Fifty Items for Your Toy Bag
- Reading List
Here’s a delightful excerpt on sexual power games:
Sexual Power Games: Pleasure and Orgasm Control
One way to explore dominance and submission is through sexual power games. Sexual power games are role-playing scenarios that use sex as the central tool for control. They often revolve around giving or withholding certain types of stimulation and pleasure, ordering the submissive to perform sex on herself or you, and controlling the submissive’s orgasms. Remember that as with other kinky activities, consent is key; so when I use the terms control, order, force, or torture, I use them in the context of a scene where people have agreed to consensual dominance and submission.
Tease and Torment
Tease and torment is a fun game where the dominant is not only clearly in charge but uses that power to torment the submissive. The idea here is to get your submissive nice and turned on, squirming in pleasure, and then, back off. This is where you stop what you’re doing to him, and watch him squirm even more. Put your mouth just an inch away from her pussy and stay there. Turn the vibrator down or off suddenly and don’t let her have the controls. Stop fucking her. Hover over her lips just barely touching them. Then, tease. Don’t let her get close enough to your hand, mouth, cock, or body to have what she craves. You can combine this game with bondage to make it even more difficult for her to get what she wants. Teasing builds tension, anticipation, and arousal. It puts what your partner desires just out of reach. This can lead to someone asking, begging, pleading, or even bargaining (“I’ll give you the best blow job if you just fuck me afterward.”) Eventually, you will give in and let her have what she wants, and by then, she’ll be so beside herself, the payoff for both of you will be even bigger.
This is a good one to play whether you’re in the same room, in separate places, or connecting long distance via phone, instant messenger, text, or Skype. It’s easy—the dominant orders the submissive to masturbate. This is a great way to exercise control over her pleasure: she gets to have it, but only when you say so. In fact, maybe she can only touch herself with your permission. Perhaps you give her instructions about exactly how she should do it, and she must follow your directions to the letter or risk punishment. Maybe she needs to describe to you in detail what she’s doing, what she’s fantasizing about, and what she wants you to do to her. Maybe she needs to get over her shyness and perform for you, give you a show. Maybe she must dedicate her orgasm to you or say your name when she comes, or ask your permission before she has an orgasm. Whatever way you design it, this once solitary activity which was her domain alone now belongs to you.
You can also direct your submissive to masturbate when you’re not around. Order her to do it with a specific toy or wearing a particular outfit. Tell her to write up a report of her activities and send it to you. Get creative with your requests; you’ll keep her on her toes and you on her mind whenever she masturbates. These can be great homework exercises for couples in long- distance relationships, and they help keep the D/s dynamic present even when you are not physically near each other.
Imagine if your ability to orgasm was decided by someone else. If you like being at someone’s mercy, handing over control of your pleasure, then this kind of surrender may really appeal to you as a submissive. For dominants, do you like to take charge of your partner’s body and use sex as a way to control her? Orgasm control can take several different forms, each of them a different kind of sexual power play.
One very popular element of dominance/submissive role play is when the dominant requires the submissive to first ask permission in order to have an orgasm. It’s a simple, yet deeply symbolic act that says, “I control you. Your orgasms belong to me.” Some people write it into their contracts. Basically, the submissive must always ask the dominant’s permission before having an orgasm. Usually, the rule means that as the submissive is right on the edge of coming, he has to pause, ask (or beg), and the dominant can decide to extend or deny permission for him to have an orgasm. Creative dominants can require a task first (“Lick my boots!”) or administer ten strokes of the paddle before permission is given. Orgasm control is a ritual that not only reinforces the dominant/submissive dynamic but is also such a fun power game to play!
Speaking of denying permission, orgasm denial is another form of control—one that’s a bit more devious (and, yes, even sadistic). When the submissive asks for permission, your answer is confident and resounding: “No.” You can do it as a correction, punishment, or just to see the look on her face. Denying orgasm makes a submissive squirm, squeal, beg, plead, all while getting more turned on in the process. It’s a great way to take someone to the edge of climax, then flip the switch. You get bonus points for incorporating sex toys into this game, like vibrators, Kegel balls (also called Ben Wa balls), dildos, or butt plugs—since they’ll make it even more difficult for her to not come. It’s another kind of tease and torment sure to drive her crazy, where the reward—a much- anticipated orgasm when you say so—is even sweeter. Or perhaps the reward is delayed, a few hours or a few days.
On the other end of the spectrum is the forced orgasm. Let me start with a disclaimer: if your partner has trouble achieving orgasm, this is not the game to play. It could create tension, anxiety, shame, and fear, and that’s not what we’re after at all. But if your partner is reliably orgasmic, then this is another fun way to control her. Think of it as making your partner have an orgasm on demand. When you feel like she’s getting close (or she has told you she is, as instructed), you can demand that she come. Or you can put her in some nice bondage, then strap a vibrator to her clitoris, so she has no choice but to come. The dominant gets to call the shots, the submissive gets to follow the command and come: win- win!
Tristan Taormino is an award-winning author, sex educator, film maker and radio host. She is the author of more than seven books including The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation, The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, and Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. She is the editor of more than 25 anthologies, as well as being the creator and series editor of the Best Lesbian Erotica anthology series. Her books have sold over 500,000 copies.
You can buy 50 Shades of Kink from: